ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE.........not possible for me.

Time changes nothing, only how long it has been since you died.

I think that I have accepted all that happened to you.  Getting MS.

Your deterioration. Your sadness, disbelief, then stoicism.  First, there was hope.

Then, there was war.  After, came , not acceptance, but coping.  And then, came death.

I have marked each month and year since you died.  I have lived each holiday, watched each season pass.  Seen your children adjust, grow, mature.

I have seen your Father and I age.  But, I have not ever accepted your death.

You refused to accept the life that MS, Miserable, Misbegotten, Suffocating MS

would have created for you.  You said that acceptance was defeat.  You chose not to accept, but to move on, to an unknown place or to nothing.  You would not accept.

I do not accept.  I know that you are dead.  I hate that I may never see you again as you were.  I loved your voice, eyes, gestures, walk, physical handsomeness, spirit and all that was you.  To tell me that I will find you in some nebulous form, I do not accept. I yell at the sky each night.....I DO NOT ACCEPT.

Part of me is broken.  I don't care to fix it.  I accept that.  I speak to you every night, implore you to give me a sign that you hear me.  Cry when nothing but the wind, or a cloudy pink sky are my only companions.  I watch the birds settle for the night, dragonflies swoop by.  My ears strain to hear anything that you might say.  Nothing.  And so, I tell you, I DO NOT ACCEPT.

Much of my inner thoughts are focused on you.  I try not to remember the horrors of your illness, deterioration, loneliness.  But, the wound is there, waiting to fester.  And, it does often.  I look at your photos, read your words, hope to remember good memories.  Not always possible. 

Time has passed, continues to pass.  I only know that I miss you beyond comprehension.  Love you, love you, love you. 

NO, I DO NOT ACCEPT.