It is two years tomorrow since George left this earth.
I did not think that I would be able to ever write again on this blog.
Grief and longing are so profound that no words can adequately express the depth to which they go. I can only say that for these last two years, I have lived in a dark place.
There have been moments of light. Seeing my grandchildren and knowing they are healthy and joyful has been like sunshine caressing my face. You know the warmth of that feeling. Honestly, though, not a day has gone by when I have not cried, remembering George when he was ill, and lamenting the moments that will never be.
I have sought comfort in music, poetry, writings of other mothers who have lost their children. I absorbed the sorrow, the pain, the longing of all those who have been thrust into this valley of grief. It is truly a lonely place no matter how many others inhabit it.
My daughters have been so understanding. They have had to deal with their loss as well as mine. And, my husband, how can one ever understand what it means to a man to lose his only son, his legacy, his counterpart in manhood? We have all shared our loss in many ways, but deep inside, we mourn alone.
George's children. How can I possibly know what they are feeling? I only understand that they will no longer have a most wonderful father to guide, love and cherish them. Memories will grow dim, but hopefully the essence of who he was will forever influence and comfort them.
Last week was one of the worst that I have ever experienced. My mind began the countdown of George's last days with us. It was physically and emotionally wrenching. I sunk as low as I ever have in these many years. And, then, NIko, George's son called me.
How I have worried for Niko, the eldest. We talked about George, and then Niko did the most amazing thing. He wrote and sang a song about George and life. I cried for hours after I played it many times. But, you know what? His song and wisdom, cracked that canker of sorrow that has been my companion for too long. The poison flowed out with the tears.
Niko acknowledged the difficulties in life, but said that he and George did not want me to be sad. Imagine. I played the song over and over and will forever.
His final line, "look at the moon, he's all around" Look at the moon.
I will.
