George,
Another year about to end and another starting. Do you know what it means to me? The horrible thought of another year without you in my life. Each year takes me further away from when you were here, and no, it doesn't get easier. It really hurts more because of the hopelessness of never being able to see, hear, touch or talk to you.
Sure, I have been reading blogs about grief, afterlife, mediums who swear that death is just a transition. Doesn't really matter because all I have is this life and you are missing from it.
My memories of you fold into each other like molten lava...one leading into another, and all just reminding me that they are just that, memories. It is not enough.
Here are some of the things I remember. When you were in high school in the glee club. We had come to the Christmas program, and during the performance, out steps this tall, handsome man in a black tuxedo. His strong voice rang out in a solo, and it was you, handsome beyond words. What a surprise for us, and how proud we were of you.
Or, how about, how every night, here in Florida, when it was just you confined to bed and your two old parents trying to not give in to despair, you would call to me. "Hey Mom, hurry up, it's Family Feud". I would rush to lay next to you in bed and watch that really stupid show, just to keep you company, like your wife used to when you lived together.Guess what...I cannot stand to see Steve Harvey anymore. Too sad.
I haven't baked a cookie since you died. Too hard for me because baking and crying are not a good mix. I made cookies each week for you, and you would ask for one, and then say, "got another one Mom?" No, I will never bake another cookie because you cannot eat it.
I watch your Dad sit in the garage at night, sometimes smoking a cigar. You never really liked to smoke, but you would light a cigar stub that you nursed for at least a week, sitting in that behemoth wheel chair and just talk with your old Dad. Now, he just sits and stares at empty sky, perhaps remembering those moments.
Memories are supposed to bring comfort. Not for me. They just make me realize how much I miss you, how much I long for you to be here, healthy, back in your old life, content with your family. I couldn't heal you and I can't get you back. It sucks and how I always hated that phrase.
So, this new year, I will count to three for the years you have been gone...and wonder how I can stand to live for how many more years.....without you in my world.
